Dear Son,
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next
house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in,
pulled the chain and I ain't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days
the second time.
You know the coat you wanted me to send you, well, Aunt Sue said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last
payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or a
girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three
days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving,
the other two was in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window
down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There's not much news this time, nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom
Dear Son: a funny letter from Mom.
A funny letter from Mom, with family news delivered with a perfectly straight face.
A little history, before the internet.
I saved this version of Dear Son from the internet more than 30 years ago. But the joke was already making the rounds in print. Different copies change the names, places, and a few punch lines while keeping the same wonderfully improbable family news.
Letter from an Irish Mother
An archived 1976 company newsletter contains a related Irish version, complete with the missing shirts, a whisky-vat mishap, and the unpaid funeral bill.
View 1976 archive (large PDF)The Elk City Daily News
On August 9, an Oklahoma newspaper printed a remarkably similar “Dear Son” letter. Its last residents came from Kentucky rather than Arkansas. The paper credits Merle Blau as a contributor, not necessarily the author.
See the newspaper pageLetter from Kent's Mom
A parody website created in 1998 and updated in 1999 includes a close cousin of the letter, this time naming Alabama as the previous family's home.
Read the web versionThe original writer is unknown. These dated examples show that the joke circulated for decades; they do not establish when it was first written.